Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Adventure Playground article
Diane Mortenson, my colleague at Mercer Island Parks and I wrote an article on the Adventure Playground we started this past year. you can read the article here in Parks and Recreation Magazine online. What wasn't acknowledged in the article was the great contribution of Ann Grabler who set up and ran the playground with Chris del Pillar.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
New York Times covers place-based culture
The article "The Social Building" in the New York Times illustrates what I am trying to explore with this blog. Here are examples of residents in a building in NYC who have found a common desire to build relationships with each other in the group context.
This article points out two factors that promote this phenomenon: a situation where many of the residents have moved in recently, and a situation where many of the residents are at the same stage of life (in this instance being parents). The former situation levels the hierarchy, the later provides common goals and incentives for sharing resources.
It would be interesting to follow these buildings over time and see if the social fabric endures. In 1990 when I was in graduate school, I studied several living situations that represented place-based culture. One was the Sunlight community in Portland, where I had dinner with one of the founding couples. They reported that in the early years, they had done lots of socializing together, but at the time I interviewed them, the socializing was less frequent and less on a community-wide basis.
In my own experience in cohousing, I find that the durability of the social fabric of our community is based to some degree on the fact of our common ownership and management. Our structure requires us to work out complex problems together. We learn and grow together, and that makes living here interesting. But we also need to come here with some desire to share our lives in some way. Otherwise the management of the place becomes a chore. We need the potential of the place to inspire us to work at the difficult or rote stuff.
I wish for more people to find community where they live, no matter how durable or transient it may be.
This article points out two factors that promote this phenomenon: a situation where many of the residents have moved in recently, and a situation where many of the residents are at the same stage of life (in this instance being parents). The former situation levels the hierarchy, the later provides common goals and incentives for sharing resources.
It would be interesting to follow these buildings over time and see if the social fabric endures. In 1990 when I was in graduate school, I studied several living situations that represented place-based culture. One was the Sunlight community in Portland, where I had dinner with one of the founding couples. They reported that in the early years, they had done lots of socializing together, but at the time I interviewed them, the socializing was less frequent and less on a community-wide basis.
In my own experience in cohousing, I find that the durability of the social fabric of our community is based to some degree on the fact of our common ownership and management. Our structure requires us to work out complex problems together. We learn and grow together, and that makes living here interesting. But we also need to come here with some desire to share our lives in some way. Otherwise the management of the place becomes a chore. We need the potential of the place to inspire us to work at the difficult or rote stuff.
I wish for more people to find community where they live, no matter how durable or transient it may be.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Mercer Island Preschool Association funds Adventure Playground
Adventure Playground. Isn't every playground an adventure playground?
Well, most playgrounds kids play on the climbers and slides that were welded and painted by adults in a factory in god-knows-where. In and adventure playground, kids make the fort, spaceship, maze, kitchen and then play out their fantasy games with it. For some, the building is the main attraction. See a great summary of adventure playgrounds here.
Mercer Island Preschool Assocation just donated $6k to start up an adventure playground at Deanes (Dragon) Park next to Island Crest Park. This will be a summer and early fall program run by the City. This is the first adventure playground in the pacific northwest and one of only a few in the US. These playgrounds are popular in Europe, but are scarce here because of the expense and insurance concerns. Follow this program at http://www.mercergov.org/Page.asp?NavID=2561
Well, most playgrounds kids play on the climbers and slides that were welded and painted by adults in a factory in god-knows-where. In and adventure playground, kids make the fort, spaceship, maze, kitchen and then play out their fantasy games with it. For some, the building is the main attraction. See a great summary of adventure playgrounds here.
Mercer Island Preschool Assocation just donated $6k to start up an adventure playground at Deanes (Dragon) Park next to Island Crest Park. This will be a summer and early fall program run by the City. This is the first adventure playground in the pacific northwest and one of only a few in the US. These playgrounds are popular in Europe, but are scarce here because of the expense and insurance concerns. Follow this program at http://www.mercergov.org/Page.asp?NavID=2561
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Hiking Camp Long
Dawson said,"I want to go somewhere." He says this in the morning, when we don't have any plans. The menu of where we go is long a varied, and we have gotten into the habit of somewhere being far enough away that bus or car is necessary. In the past few weeks, I have caught myself several times giving in when Dawson seems restless. One time it was to the aquarium. Another time it was to the Junction. These activities satisfy his need for stimulation. But even on the bus, they are ritual of a highly mobile & consumptive society.
I aspire to be able to calmly set a limit and say,"Let's stay home" more often. But today, I did the next best thing. We hitched the bike trailer to my bike, stuffed snacks and extra clothes into a backpack, and headed for Camp Long. Dawson and I wandered up the trail from the Brandon Street entrance. After five minutes, Dawson was lobbying for me to carry him. I told him that I could carry him, but I would only do that if we were going home. He obviously had a desire to get to Camp Long, because he persisted forward, though he asked me several more times to be carried.
We ultimately spent three hours at Camp Long. He walked by himself over a mile. I carried him only for the last 200 feet back to our bicycle. As we were leaving, he said,"Lets go to Camp Long again!" I felt so satified to have done something "lower on the food chain".
What did it take? It took me being tired of getting in the car, tolerating my anxiety about setting limits, and sticking with him, instead of having an agenda. At any moment I was ready to pick him up and go back home if needed. I made it so that he was responsible for forward progress. That made the pace his. I went along, mostly.
I aspire to be able to calmly set a limit and say,"Let's stay home" more often. But today, I did the next best thing. We hitched the bike trailer to my bike, stuffed snacks and extra clothes into a backpack, and headed for Camp Long. Dawson and I wandered up the trail from the Brandon Street entrance. After five minutes, Dawson was lobbying for me to carry him. I told him that I could carry him, but I would only do that if we were going home. He obviously had a desire to get to Camp Long, because he persisted forward, though he asked me several more times to be carried.
We ultimately spent three hours at Camp Long. He walked by himself over a mile. I carried him only for the last 200 feet back to our bicycle. As we were leaving, he said,"Lets go to Camp Long again!" I felt so satified to have done something "lower on the food chain".
What did it take? It took me being tired of getting in the car, tolerating my anxiety about setting limits, and sticking with him, instead of having an agenda. At any moment I was ready to pick him up and go back home if needed. I made it so that he was responsible for forward progress. That made the pace his. I went along, mostly.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hold onto your Kids
A Canadian psychotherapist, Gordon Neufeld, published a book called "Hold on to your Kids". He discusses the epidemic of how bright, happy children grow up to become withdrawn teenagers, disengaged from their families and unresponsive to parental authority. According to him, it all starts in early childhood and hinges on whether the parents work to maintain the attachment bond with their child or not. Attachment is the natural mechanism which give parents the authority to parent.
This rings true with me. I have been an attentive and engaged parent for Dawson's first two years of life. But in the last year, things have changed. Dawson is now becoming independent. He can play by himself or with other kids more. I notice my tendency to start disengaging because I miss other things I like to do in my life: read a book, clean the house, cook good food, garden, blog. Nothing very self indulgent, but things I deferred when he was younger. I find myself playing with him less, being less "in his world". I find myself looking at him every few days with the realization that I don't really know him anymore. I fall into see him as a set of demands on me, a potential for conflict. It's a gradual and insidious transition that I think happens for a lot of well-intended parents.
I first heard Dr. Neufeld at the La Leche League conference in Redmond, WA in 2006. There he talked a lot about counterwill, commonly referred to as the "terrible twos" in our culture, but really a phenomenon that extends throughout childhood and into adulthood. Counterwill is fundementally a mechanism for the child to define himself or herself, the drive for identity. We all want that for our children, and he argues that counterwill is one of the roads on the trip to maturity. I left that lecture with a more relaxed attitude about counterwill. Things to remember about counterwill: it is not personal. The child is doing it instinctively, not because I am a bad parent. Counterwill is not "will" as in choice, it is more like a compulsion. The child cannot help himself. So trying to get the child to choose something different is not really going to work. Once counterwill is activated, reason flies out the window. Defense takes its place.
Instead of meeting counterwill in the child with reasoning or resistance, he recommends a more fluid approach. If I had to sum his philosophy up, it would be "pursue your child". Don't get complacent as they become more independent. Lay down good experiences of warmth, play and genuine good feelings between you every day. On discipline, the phrase he repeated in his lecture was,"connect before you correct". He recommends instead of getting into a big verbal exchange at the peak of the oppostion, relax. Don't go on the defensive. Recognize that your child is up against the futility of opposing reality. As Dr. Neufeld writes," the parent needs to be both an agent of futility and an angel of comfort. It is human counterpoint at its finest and most challenging." He goes on:"a parent must dance the child to his tears, to let go, and to sense the rest in the wake of letting go."(HOTYK, p.222) Staying relaxed and pointing the child to his feelings are key here. Later, when the feelings die down, you and your child can go over what happened. Solicit good intentions for future behavior at that point. You and your child are going to be able to think more clearly and feel positively towards each other.
The book is worth the read, and my intention here is to only give an overview of what he has to offer. Woven through his book are hints at how place-based culture can support parents in their relationship with their children. One example he keeps coming back to is his experience in a village in Provence, France where he experienced a culture that is family based and multigenerational. Children and grandparents are included in every aspect of social life. Teachers and parents have personal relationships with each other that preceed the child. Meals are a central part of the day, a place where everyone gathers. He goes on at length about this bonding ritual:
This rings true with me. I have been an attentive and engaged parent for Dawson's first two years of life. But in the last year, things have changed. Dawson is now becoming independent. He can play by himself or with other kids more. I notice my tendency to start disengaging because I miss other things I like to do in my life: read a book, clean the house, cook good food, garden, blog. Nothing very self indulgent, but things I deferred when he was younger. I find myself playing with him less, being less "in his world". I find myself looking at him every few days with the realization that I don't really know him anymore. I fall into see him as a set of demands on me, a potential for conflict. It's a gradual and insidious transition that I think happens for a lot of well-intended parents.
I first heard Dr. Neufeld at the La Leche League conference in Redmond, WA in 2006. There he talked a lot about counterwill, commonly referred to as the "terrible twos" in our culture, but really a phenomenon that extends throughout childhood and into adulthood. Counterwill is fundementally a mechanism for the child to define himself or herself, the drive for identity. We all want that for our children, and he argues that counterwill is one of the roads on the trip to maturity. I left that lecture with a more relaxed attitude about counterwill. Things to remember about counterwill: it is not personal. The child is doing it instinctively, not because I am a bad parent. Counterwill is not "will" as in choice, it is more like a compulsion. The child cannot help himself. So trying to get the child to choose something different is not really going to work. Once counterwill is activated, reason flies out the window. Defense takes its place.
Instead of meeting counterwill in the child with reasoning or resistance, he recommends a more fluid approach. If I had to sum his philosophy up, it would be "pursue your child". Don't get complacent as they become more independent. Lay down good experiences of warmth, play and genuine good feelings between you every day. On discipline, the phrase he repeated in his lecture was,"connect before you correct". He recommends instead of getting into a big verbal exchange at the peak of the oppostion, relax. Don't go on the defensive. Recognize that your child is up against the futility of opposing reality. As Dr. Neufeld writes," the parent needs to be both an agent of futility and an angel of comfort. It is human counterpoint at its finest and most challenging." He goes on:"a parent must dance the child to his tears, to let go, and to sense the rest in the wake of letting go."(HOTYK, p.222) Staying relaxed and pointing the child to his feelings are key here. Later, when the feelings die down, you and your child can go over what happened. Solicit good intentions for future behavior at that point. You and your child are going to be able to think more clearly and feel positively towards each other.
The book is worth the read, and my intention here is to only give an overview of what he has to offer. Woven through his book are hints at how place-based culture can support parents in their relationship with their children. One example he keeps coming back to is his experience in a village in Provence, France where he experienced a culture that is family based and multigenerational. Children and grandparents are included in every aspect of social life. Teachers and parents have personal relationships with each other that preceed the child. Meals are a central part of the day, a place where everyone gathers. He goes on at length about this bonding ritual:
Since our sojourn in Provence, I have come to consider the family sitdown meal as one of the most significant attachment rituals of all. Attachment and eating go together. One facilitates the other. It seems to me that the meal should be a time of unabashed dependency: where the attachment hierarchy is still preserved, where the dependable take care of the dependent, where experience still counts, where there is pleasure in nurturing and being nurtured and where foold is the way to the heart.
No wonder the the meal has been the piece de resistance of human courting rituals for eons. It also explains why the family sit-down meal si the cornerstone of Provencal culture: tables are carefully set, courses are served one at a time, no interruptions are allowed. The sit-down family meal has a huge supporting cast, including the baker, the butcher, and the vendors at the village market....The family sit-down meal was certainly the centerpiece of our own family life while we stayed in Provence. It was what our children missed the most when we returned. (HOTYK p. 207-8)
Now, if there ever was place-based culture, that's it. Returning to the same table night after night to celebrate the day together. Pulling it off well is a challenge, however, and many of us remember less than nurturing experiences at the family table. Nevertheless, I am always a bit envious of our neighbors who have family meals together and often invite their friends over to join them. I catch glimpses of them succeeding at this and creating a warm, inviting place that extends beyond their family.
Another theme of the book is to use vacations and getaways as a way to repair detachments in the relationship. Dr. Neufeld describes at length his daughter's disengagement and a vacation he took with her to win her back. Where did they go? Not Disneyworld. It was a seaside cottage that was a ferry ride away. The lack of simulation seemed like a recipe for boredom to his daughter. However, after a few days, she started seeking closeness with her father. Meanwhile, he didn't let himself get discouraged or overly solicitous. Slowly they started taking walks and doing activities together. (HOTYK p. 194-195)
I could make too much of the choice of setting. A main function of the setting was to separate her temporarily from the places and media that foster her peer orientation that supplants her parents' authority. But if there is not to be computers, iphones, DVD's, facebook and twitter, there has to be something positive that stands apart from that world, and is robust enough to replace it. The natural world is that, at least for most people.
Finally, Dr. Neufeld's last chapter is entitled "Recreate the Attachment Village". Reading this chapter, I felt so lucky to live in a cohousing community. Dawson has 40 adults that he knows, that know him, that he is attached to. It's like having 40 aunts and uncles, or like the Mexican village that Dr. Gabor, co-author of the book, describes (p. 257). We don't have to go across town to find adults who want what we want. They are here. We are also lucky to have found other sympatico parents through our local preschool.
Dr. Neufeld offers an interesting idea for how to help our children develop attachment relationships with other adults. He calls it matchmaking. This is being the behind-the-scenes support for our children's other significant attachment relationships with adults, such as with teachers. Some teachers do this well, but others and other adults who are not used to relationships with children need help. So you prime the pump. You make contact with the teacher before the child meets him or her. You talk to your child about the teacher, and let the child know that the adults are "friends". You pass on compliments between the two parties so the feelings of warmth and closeness are fostered. Some might call this meddling or codependency, but you can see that you as a parent are doing something for the child that she or he cannot do herself. I find I do some of this naturally with the adults that are important in Dawson's life. It depends in part on running into people regularly so that messages and updates can be delivered while they are current. Again, an advantage to place-based relationships. I fear that the infrequent contact parents have with teachers in the public schools makes this difficult to do.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
How to Lick a Slug
A column from NY Times columnist Nicholas D. Kristof entitled How to Lick a Slug explores the lack of environmental fluency in the current generation of children. He describes backpacking with his daughter, which is half of the equation: children sharing nature with an adult who models the value of nature experiences. But the other half he alludes to only with examples. It is unstructured play in a special place that is essential to forming a connection to the natural world, which fosters the love that sustains environmental responsibility in the adult person.
I will keep harping on this because that is where it happened for me. Beachcombing with my family in Amagansett and playing alone at Brookdale Park were the kind of place-experiences where I built the connection I have to the natural environment. I also had a father and other adults that modeled conservation ethics for me. But I think that is not what is in short supply for today's kids.
I think backpacking trips can form the sense of place, if, as Mr. Kristof's family does, it involves returning to the same place every year. It doesn't have to be daily, just routine and sustained. I hope his daughter gets days where they don't travel, but just get to goof around the campsite.
I will keep harping on this because that is where it happened for me. Beachcombing with my family in Amagansett and playing alone at Brookdale Park were the kind of place-experiences where I built the connection I have to the natural environment. I also had a father and other adults that modeled conservation ethics for me. But I think that is not what is in short supply for today's kids.
I think backpacking trips can form the sense of place, if, as Mr. Kristof's family does, it involves returning to the same place every year. It doesn't have to be daily, just routine and sustained. I hope his daughter gets days where they don't travel, but just get to goof around the campsite.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Place-based education - research summary sheet
Go to promiseofplace.org for a two page pdf of research summary collected by Louise Chawla on the benefits of nature for children.
These include:
Improving concentration and impulse control
Assisting children with handling emotional stress
Inspiring more creative play
Fostering environmental stewardship
Reducing ADD and ADHD
Improving motor skills
I have appreciated Dr. Chawla's work which has been referenced in Richard Louv's book Last Child in the Woods as well as David Sobel and other educators' work.
These include:
Improving concentration and impulse control
Assisting children with handling emotional stress
Inspiring more creative play
Fostering environmental stewardship
Reducing ADD and ADHD
Improving motor skills
I have appreciated Dr. Chawla's work which has been referenced in Richard Louv's book Last Child in the Woods as well as David Sobel and other educators' work.
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